Days of Gold
by CJ - Lady of Gryffindor
Summary: You've seen Inu go to college, Inu go to high school, Inu has done almost everything...but I DOUBT youve read anything like THIS! You gotta read this to believe it.
1. Higurashi Kagome

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Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, not me.

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Notes: One day a friend and I were talking about fan fiction and how we both generally dislike the genre of alternative universe. I essentially believe certain characters were created for a certain setting, therefore, they should be left in that setting. I've only seen the AU thing done successfully in very rare instances. But it was enough to get me wondering if I could pull it off. Me being the general smartass that I am, started trying to think of the most obscure setting that I could possibly put the InuYasha folks into. This is the result of that thought process. It is meant as a tongue in cheek good natured poking fun at AU fan fiction and is in NO WAY meant to offend or debase those who love to either read the genre of AU or who write it. 

This is strictly a for fun, blowing off steam, showing off how totally freaking weird I can get when given free reign and no restrictions piece and likely wont be updated more than once every week or two, right now my main focus is "The Search" and seeing how I can mess with Inu/Kag and Mir/San.

But for what it is, I hope you enjoy reading. I warn you, there is sexual innuendo, sexual situations, harsh language, and they are likely to seem rather OOC because they have aged a bit, therefore have changed a bit,. So, keep that in mind before leaving major flame reviews Okay?

Puppy Love,

CJ

Translation:

Oban--bitchy old hag

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Days Of Gold

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"I told you, I don't want to go" Higurashi Kagome groused as she was settled into her wheelchair by her nephew and niece-in-law " I still have a mind you know, Why can't I make my own decisions?" 

"But auntie" Higurashi Bessie began to plead their case for the umpteenth time that day "There is just no way you can get around that big house by your self anymore. Besides, won't it be nice to have a roommate to talk to?"

"I had my cat till you took him and had the vet kill him" Kagome said picking up a glass and throwing it at the girl. "Now get. I don't need you talking down to me girly,"

Bessie looked exasperated and threw up her hands, muttering something in a language to her husband that Kagome didn't understand, then stomped out of the room to the safety of the waiting room.

"Auntie, Bessie is only trying to help. You know that whiskers was older than dust, almost totally blind, and his heart was bad. Why must you be so mean to her?"

"What did she call me this time? In what language?" Kagome looked up at him, her brown eyes sparkled with mischief. How she loved to rile her nephews wife.

Kei grinned a little "An uptight arrogant jackass, in English."

Kagome laughed into her hand, thrilled to know she hadn't lost her touch.

Kei sat down on the stool next to her so he was at her eye level. Something Kagome appreciated, and Bessie never did.

"Auntie, I worry too much about you in that big house alone. What would have happened if Bessie hadn't come along and found you after you fell?"

Kagome sighed. There was no way around it this time. Kei was right, Bessie had saved her bacon.

Higurashi Kagome had always been a strong, independent woman. That was part of the reason she had never married. In her day men liked flowers that wilted easily, not ones that could right themselves immediately no matter what storm had just blown through. But now Kagome was wilting under the storm of age. She had been reaching for a bowl and the small kitchen ladder she had used for twenty years slipped underneath her. She had fallen and badly hurt her back. As it was she laid there for an hour unable to move, calling out for help. If Bessie hadn't come by to drop off the mail, who knows how long she might have lay there. Kagome was grateful to the girl for coming to her aid, of course she was. But she wasn't grateful enough to just quietly allow her home and belongings to be sold off while she was to be shipped off to a home for old people.

"Kei, I have……." she was cut off when Bessie returned, loudly knocking on the door.

"I'm sorry to interrupt Auntie, but the car is here to take you."

Kagome glared at the young woman for a second, then picked up the water pitcher that sat on the table next to her, and threw it at the girl.

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"I hear Sango is getting a new roommate sometime today." Miroku adjusted his bifocals and looked up at his roommate across the cribbage board. 

"Fifteen-two. So what of it?" InuYasha didn't bother to look up.

They were interrupted when a man in an electric wheelchair raced down the hallway, trying to outrun the young nurse giving chase.

"Mr. Naraku! Mr. Naraku! You must bring those back, this is getting out of hand! Mr. Naraku!"

InuYasha threw his head back and laughed loudly. "BAKA! Got someone's teeth again!"

Miroku laughed as he shook his head "He says he is going to break them down, form them into a magic ball and use it to take over the world."

"He couldn't take over the can with some ones choppers." InuYasha shook his head, flipping his top partial out half way then clicked in back in place. "What a dumbass."

"He's lost his….." Miroku lost his train of thought as he stared out the open door to their room

"Hey, baka, its your turn"

"Hottie at straight up noon" Miroku said with a wink, pushing his bi-focals back into place.

"Door ain't straight up noon, it's 2:00"

"Well, something's standing straight up" Miroku added a suggestive wink.

InuYasha shook his head "It's no wonder Sango's always beatin the shit out of you with her walker the way you go slutting about"

But Miroku was already in the hallway intruding himself to the new lovely who was moving in next door.

InuYasha grabbed his cane and hobbled to the door just in time to hear Miroku's oft used one liner that never once had worked.

"Excuse me, but would you conceder, rubbing my corns?"

"Miroku," InuYasha pulled the door open wider "One of these days that line is going to get you…"

InuYasha was brought up short by the woman in the wheelchair. She was almost a perfect replica of his late wife Kikyo…he couldn't help but stare.

"What the hell are you staring at?" the woman hit him upside the head with her metal cane. Miroku flinched and made beeline for Sango's room.

"Kikyo…" InuYasha muttered

"No, the names Kagome. KA-GO-ME" Kagome said, hitting him again with each syllable to be sure he point got across. "Get right next time you old shit or I'll really kick your ass."

"Baka oban!" InuYasha yelled "Kikyo was my wife, you just looked a little like her is all."

"ah, Keh, I get it…" Kagome sniffed ", one of those die, come back from the dead, die, come back from dead types eh?"

"Nope, I know Kikyo's dead. I cremated her myself, used our daughters old easy bake oven."

"Easy bake oven ya say?"

"Yep. Took 3,140 light bulbs."

"So, I imagine your sure she's gonna stay dead then." Kagome actually smiled a genuine smile, she hadn't enjoyed a conversation this much in a long time. "So what's your name anyway?"

"InuYasha."

"Inu as in dog?"

"Yeah, is there another fucking kind?"

"He he he!" Kagome laughed "That your real name or a nick name ya got cause ya like it doggy style?"

InuYasha laughed, he could enjoy the company of a woman with a sense of humor, not like most of the prim little pinky stinking up tea guzzlers in this fru-fru hell-hole.

"In case you didn't notice the ears sweets, I'm a half demon."

"Auntie, Auntie, your beds all ready for you!" Bessie came out of the room making Kagome roll her eyes.

Bessie looked at InuYasha, a condescending smile on her face. "Oh and look, you seem to have made a nice little friend already."

"Baka Temee" Kagome glanced at InuYasha, indicating her nephews wife with her eyes.

InuYasha looked at the annoying woman and decided she needed to dealt with immediately and harshly, or she would be a constant annoyance.

"Aint nothing little on me sweetheart. Come on in here and I'll prove it to you. I'll show ya my pecker."

Bessie stiffened her back, her face red. She pulled her husband out of the room, announced that that they could not keep Auntie in this place full of perverts.

Miroku chose the optimum moment to chase a nurse down the hall in an attempt to grab her ass.

"Oh, just go home you two. I'm going to stay here and get to know my "little friend" Kagome laughed, hearing InuYasha laughing behind her.

Finally having gotten rid of the family, InuYasha helped Kagome into her room, just missing the nurse who was still trying to catch Mr. Naraku and his stolen dental appliances.

To Be Continued.

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Really want to know what you think ...should I keep going with this or is it fodder for the junk heap??

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-PLEASE REVIEW!!!

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Thanks !!!!!!!!!!!

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Puppy Love, 

CJ


	2. Obsession

Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, that pleasure belongs to Rumiko Takahashi 

Notes: Well, you asked for it, so heres a little more "Days of Gold".

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Chapter Two

Obsession

Mr. Naraku snuck around the corner, his eyes open wide behind his nearly inch thick invisaline bi-focals. He had seen her check in the other day, that Higurashi wench, and he vowed she would be his. She was the kind of wench who could make a grown man weep, her not quite so firm breasts still somewhat perky despite her advanced years, her almost small waste that had obviously never bore a child, seeing as how it only contained three small rolls when she sat down. Even across the room, he could smell her preparation H and it sent a fire into Naraku's loins that hadn't been matched since his late wife Kagura.

_(One of these days, Kagura would show up again, and she had better have a damn good excuse for being so late.)_

Oh Yes, the Higurashi wench would be his. As for the fact that the disgusting hanyou had latched himself to her cane the minute she rolled through the door, well, Naraku would deal with him when the time came. For now, he had to continue with the other reason for his undercover mission in this place.

Dental appliances. He needed more. No one realized it but there was a secret ingredient in those falsies those old duffs were idly chomping around with on their gums. A mineral that when brought together with other minerals of the same type would form a huge rubber band. And with enough of these rubber bands, he would have enough to shape the **Whammo no Tama**, and then Naraku would take over the WORLD!

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Sango laughed at Kagome, InuYasha, and Miroku's antics behind the relative security of her fan. She was an elderly lady of Japanese society, she wasn't suppose to find humor in Viagra jokes or laugh when Miroku did the vulgar joke with the hand towel that made it look like a stiff penis. She couldn't help it though; they rather tickled her funny bone. 

Before coming to Happy Ranch, she had nearly forgotten she had one. All six of her children had deserted her but for one grand daughter, Ki, and Ki had left her here as soon as she was able to. The last Sango had heard Ki was redecorating the house and making it her very own. Sango wondered where all the money was coming from for this burst of self-expression. Ki rarely got off her behind and went to her classes at university, much less held gainful employment.

There was also no way that Ki had forced her way into her trust fund, that was rock solid closed until Ki married or reached the age of 25. No, Ki had to be stealing from Sango's bank account.

"Sango, my most beautiful love." Miroku broke into her thoughts, taking her hand and putting something in it.

"Would you conceder wearing my grandchildren?"

Sango looked down at the button in her hand, two adorable waifs smiled up at her, likely a perfect replica of what the pervert with his hand on her butt had once looked like.

"I would be honored Mr. Miroku. However, if you do not remove your hand from my behind, I shall be forced to ask Mr. InuYasha to hand me my cane so that I might beat you with it once again."

"Ah HA! I like feisty women!" Miroku said, sliding back up into his chair

"Miroku" Kagome laughed, "Sounds to me like Sango is going to feisty you right out on your ass if you don't knock your crap off."

"You tell him Kagome," InuYasha laughed.

"KuKuKu -cough-cough-cough" Mr. Naraku stood in the doorway, dressed from head to toe in a long white ballerina monkey costume leftover from the Halloween party from two years before. "Sounds like a party, can anyone join?"

"What do you want Naraku?" Miroku glared at the white and pink ape.

"Naraku? I'm not Mr. Naraku. I'm a white baboon."

"Ah, that's the bubbles the ballerina ape costume old man Goshinki wore last Halloween" InuYasha spat" and if you aint Naraku, then why's it say Naraku on your chair there?"

"It's…it's my disguise Baka"

"Ah, Mr. Baboon, or whatever you are" Sango said trying to be a good hostess "What is it you want? I'm afraid all of our teeth are in our mouths"

"I've come for my wench." Naraku made a grab for the back of Kagome's wheelchair, and then started backing out.

"you let her go you false teeth stealing piece of shit" InuYasha yelled, grabbing his cane and puttering around the table as fast as he could. By the time he made it to the door, Naraku was racing down the hallway, pushing Kagome in front of him.

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Ka-stops to take a breather-gome!"

"InuYasha!"

Resumes chase "Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Ka-stops to take a breather-gome!"

"InuYasha!"

Resumes chase "Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Ka-stops to take a breather-gome!"

Resumes chase "Kagome!"

InuYasha was stopped barely outside the door by a nurse.

"Mr. InuYasha, what is all this commotion?"

"That falsie stealing baboon wannabe kidnapped Kagome!"

"You mean Mr. Naraku?"

"InuYASHA! HELP!"

"Of course I mean Naraku you stupid Jackass!"

Kagome struggled to get away from Naraku, until finally she was able to get her hand on his control for his chair, rolling him backwards enough to turn around. She started beating him senseless with her cane. When the nurse pulled her away, Naraku grinned

"Kuku cough cough cough kuku, my kinda woman. Don't worry Kagome, well be together. Kuku cough cough cough kuku"

Kagome was wheeled back to her room, understandably quite upset.

"Kagome…I'm so sorry, I couldn't protect you." InuYasha said, taking her hand.

"It's okay InuYasha." She said, patting the hand that rested on his. "I just hope your better in the sack."

InuYasha looked up at her, seeing the gleam in her eye's, and laughed.

"Wanna take a test run?" he winked,

Kagome winked back and closed the door.

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	3. New Kids on the Block

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi

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Chapter Three

New

Kids

on the

Block

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"What the HELL is with all this shit anyway?" Inuyasha complained when he and Miroku were stopped for the second time on their way back from physical therapy.

"Didn't you hear? Were getting a new neighbor again, some big wig dignitary." Miroku reached out for the Nurses aids ass, cackling with glee when he made contact. "Hehehe, got me one."

"Ah, dignitary eh? One of them baldheaded toupee chapstick in the pocket so he looks like a he got himself a boner big wigs eh?"

"Yep, this ones a real loogy hawker too, use to be some big shot Lord of something or other." Miroku grabbed out for another ass, this time met with a clipboard.

"Woah…make room, the whammo no tama mans coming"

"Mr. Naraku! Mr. NARAKU! Do we need to call your SON again???" The nurse chased the old fart down the hallway, her fingers stuck together with polygrip.

"KuKuKu CoughCoughCough KuKuKu" Mr Naraku whizzed on past, followed by the angry nurse, stuck to the dental cart.

"Called his son eh?" Miroku grinned

"Yeah…only problem is, that Onigumo Naraku's a bigger baka than his old man."

"You sound like you know the boy InuYasha."

"Oh yep, late wife had em in her classes when the boy was in sixth grade. Real bandit that one. Had a thing for my woman and tried to sell himself to a bunch of bigger kids to make himself look important."

"He sold himself? Well, how'd that end up?"

"heheee" InuYasha laughed "Boy spent a lot of time on his knees in the boys locker room if you know what I mean."

"Whooo hoooo…Mr. InuYasha, Mr. InuYasha!" The woman getting off the elevator began trying to flag him down.

"Oh kami, Miroku quick, take this knife and kill me."

Miroku turned and looked, laughing to see Bessie Higurashi coming at them.

"Here comes your girlfriend."

"Aint my girlfriend you fucking baka kuso, probably wants me to get Kagome to let her in her room."

"You're the one who offered the woman your pecker."

"Mr. InuYasha! Didn't you hear me calling you?" Bessie caught up, latching onto InuYasha's arm.

"I heard ya."

"Well, then why on earth did you not stop, silly?"

"Because you're an annoying bitch. Are ya here to see my pecker?"

"Mr. InuYasha" Bessie went on, ignoring him. "Auntie is having one of her episodes and wont come out of the bathroom, could you perhaps help?"

"You want her to come out of the bathroom you say?"

"Yes."

"Then leave."

"Pardon me?"

InuYasha stopped and turned to look at the girl "You heard me, go away. Only reason she locks herself in the bathroom is she don't want to see you."

Bessie's first mistake was talking down to InuYasha, the second, was turning her back on Miroku.

"Mr. Miroku!" She raised her hand to slap him.

"Abuse of the elderly! Help Nurse!" InuYasha yelled.

The new male nurse stepped forward.

"Maam, I must ask you to leave."

"But he…"

"But nothing Mrs. Higurashi. Mr. Miroku is a senile old man who has no idea what he is doing. Shame on you. Come on gentlemen"

The nurse took their arms to help them down the hallway. Both Miroku and InuYasha thumbed their noses, wiggling their fingers and sticking out their tongues at Bessie over the nurses shoulders as they were led away.

Bessie sighed and stepped back into the elevator.

"Is she gone yet?" The nurse asked

"Yeah, she's gone." InuYasha said, laughing into his hand.

"Now, as for you" The nurse turned to Miroku "Grandpa Miroku, you can't keep expecting me to bale you out of trouble all the time."

"Ahh Shippo" InuYasha slapped him on the back "Get the stick out of your ass boy."

Mr. Naraku came whipping around the corner, a tray of dentures in his lap. Nurse Shippo deftly swiped down and lifted them away, handing them to the nurse who gave chase.

"KuKuKu! How dare you coughcoughcough interfere you imbecile!

"Ah, now ya did it Shippo" Miroku shook his head

"Someone has to stop that Mr. Naraku, that old shit is costing this home hundreds in dental appliances a day, and now he's stealing em right outta people's mouths when their sleeping."

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InuYasha and Kagome sat in the garden, Miroku and Sango close by. A long limo flanked by smaller cars and motorcycled security pulled up to the front gates. Unformed men got out speaking into radios and headphones, then opened the back door to escort an elderly gentleman from the back of the limo.

InuYasha stood suddenly, brandishing his cane in a flash of silver.

"I don't fucking believe it!"

"InuYasha?" Kagome looked at him, puzzled. "What is it?"

"That fucking bastard."

InuYasha jumped over the bushes, falling face first into the duck pond. Mustering what dignity he could he pushed himself up, straightening his cardigan, then rushed the guards…his cane held high.

"Sesshomaru!"

The guards restrained him until the elderly man turned.

"Let him go." He said in his smooth deep timbre.

"Hello little brother. You aren't dead yet?" He lifted his cane, brandishing it in the same lethal manner as InuYasha.

The two brothers stared one another down, then lifted their canes high in the air, then shuffled towards one another faster than the worlds speediest snails.

"Die (coughcoughcough loogy, spit, coughcoughcough loogy,spit) Halfbreed" Sesshomaru yelled

"You (hack hack loogyhawk) bastard"! InuYasha screamed

At the halfway point the brothers were tiring…

"InuYasha…"

"Sesshomaru…"

"I need a nap."

"Me too."

"Shall we kill each other after lunch?"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"Later bro"

"later"

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	4. Bessie

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi

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Days of Gold--Chapter Four

"Bessie"

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"Auntie! Now quit being stubborn!" Higurashi Bessie looked down at the top of Kagome's head.

"Stubborn! Keh! You aint seen stubborn." Kagome said refusing to turn away from the window.

"Auntie," Bessie took hold of the chair handles and turned the chair around, despite Kagome's protests "You need to sign these papers."

"I ain't signing nothing for you Baka, have my nephew come if you want me to sign anything."

"Kei has better things to do than just drop everything and come running at your beck and call Auntie." Bessie sneered condescendingly, her hands fisted on her hips.

Kagome picked up the remote control for the television and threw it at the girl, hitting her squarely between the boobs.

"Okay." Bessie threw her hands up in the air "What do you want from me Auntie? The house has been sold. You knew we needed to sell it."

"Keh. Why? You need another boob job? Makes sense, they're still lopsided."

Bessie gasped, then bent down grabbing the front of the wheelchair. "Listen here you mean old woman. That is no way to talk when a relative comes and is just trying to help…" She pointed her finger in Kagome's face, Kagome glared at her, made a fist and punched her squarely in the mouth.

"You aint no relative of mine, you're an annoyance that my nephew married and a rude one at that."

Bessie lifted her hand, swinging it far back above her head. "I'll show you a thi…"

"I'd reconsider that if I were you" an angry hostile voice came from the doorway. Kagome looked over, grateful to see InuYasha and Miroku standing in the doorway.

"What are you going to do about it?" Bessie huffed "I'll thank you to stay out of family business."

"He is my family." Kagome sneered up at her.

"Since when?" Bessie looked at her, mocking her with a condescending raise of her eyebrow.

"Since he became my sex slave." Kagome grinned

"What's all the commotion, I'm trying to take a nap" Sesshomaru came to the doorway, cane raised ready to smack InuYasha in the back of the head.

"Caught this little gal with her hand raised to hit Kagome." Miroku shook his head "tsk tsk tsk, such a horrible way to treat the elderly and infirm."

"Well, this Sesshomaru must certainly agree, at least I think he does. Wait…let me think" He paused for a minute "Yes, this Sesshomaru agrees."

"Well, I…I…don't mean to…to…but I need these papers today."

"Kukuku Gimme my wench!" Mr. Naraku tried to push past the others, but Miroku kicked his brakes off and sent him flying down the hall.

"Mr. Naraku! I'm calling your son again right now!"

"Baka." Sesshomaru shook his head.

"Papers for what?" InuYasha crossed his arms, still glaring at the young woman.

"She wants to sell my house so she can have a boob job" Kagome sniffled.

"They aren't lopsided enough for you?" Sesshomaru asked, staring pointedly at her chest. "If this Sesshomaru were you I'd get some of that fat lip-o-sucked off your ass."

Kagome was having a hell of a time now hiding her laugh behind her hand.

"You people say what you want. I'm not leaving until these papers are signed." Bessie glared

"There's only one way to handle a temee like this." InuYasha unsnapped his suspenders, then pulled his pants and boxers down. Sesshomaru and Miroku looked at each other and grinned, then followed suit.

"There ya go honey" InuYasha grinned " One hanyou, one full yokai and one houshi pecker just for you. Who do YOU think will stay 'standing tall' the longest?"

Bessie put her hands over her face and ran out of the room, determined that the family lawyer could deal with the old lady from now on weather Kei liked it or not.

Kagome looked from one to the other, her hand over her mouth while she laughed.

"Go on with you, you gotta do better than that to impress me. Seen one pecker you seen em all." She grinned and shook her head "But uh…InuYasha you can 'hang around' awhile if you like."

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	5. The New Guy er Girl er Guy er Girl?

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi.

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Days of Gold

Chapter Five

The New Guy….Girl...Guy…Girl…Guy?

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InuYasha, Miroku and Sesshomaru sat across the desk from the Conference table doing the best they could to not look at Kagome on the other side. It wasn't that they didn't want to look at her, they liked to look at her, but they knew if they did they would start laughing and that wouldn't be good. She had already made them start snickering twice, and as open minded as the home administrator, Mrs. Finiu, was under normal circumstances, the other two parties in the room made perfectly clear there was no room for anymore shenanigans, so poor Kagome sat stiffly sandwiched between her nephew whom she loved like a son, and her nephew's wife whom she hated like the hounds of hell.

Okay, so on second thought maybe treating Bessie Higurashi to the first live performance of the Three Muscleteers wasn't the best way to handle the situation. But the woman was way over-reacting. The first wave of insanity was the restraining orders, barring the three of them from coming near poor dear Auntie Kagome when Bessie visited.

Kagome had found a way around that, she had begun to refuse to see Bessie. Then Bessie had extended the restraining orders to include being around her poor dear Auntie Kagome at all times.

Because of the living situation and Kagome's statement, that had failed. Now Bessie had moved on to trying to have the men removed from the home. Now the families were involved.

Miroku's daughter Iniki, a vacuum cleaner czar, sat next to him by InuYasha's daughter Kyana. Kyana was a funeral director and managed a large conglomerate crematorium. InuYasha sat next to her, and then Sesshomaru's son Floyd. His real name was Fushi, but Floyd had found he rather enjoyed certain types of music, along with the accompanying "enhancements" namely LSD, and the nickname had stuck. Sesshomaru figured it could have been worse, they could have called him Pink instead, and even worse, he might have not shared the enhancements with his father.

Needless to say, all three of the adult children had busy lives and were annoyed at the petty nature of Bessie Higurashi, particularly considering the conversations they had with their fathers leading up to this event about the woman and how she treated her aunt.

"Mrs. Finiu" Floyd began "I'm sure you understand that we are all busy people of business and so we would like to handle this manner as quick as possible. I myself have a rather valuable delivery coming in this afternoon and would like to be present."

Floyd paused and looked around the table while everyone nodded.

"We are here for one reason and one reason only. Mrs. Higurashi has had a vendetta against my Uncle, and Mr. Miroku since the day her husbands Aunt moved in, this vendetta was extended to also cover my father when he moved in to be close to his only brother several weeks ago."

"As if this Sesshomaru wanted to live near that half-breed." Sesshomaru huffed

"Keh, go fuck yourself bastard. I never wanted you here in the first place." InuYasha

Sesshomaru rose from his chair, raising his cane and swinging it down on InuYasha's head.

"Die!" he wheezed heavily

InuYasha handed Sesshomaru his oxygen.

"Thank you" Sesshomaru said, wrapping the elastic for the oxygen mask around his head.

"Your welcome jackass" InuYasha said just before punching Sesshomaru in the face, sending him flying back into his chair.

"You go on now Floyd." InuYasha nodded to the man in the Armani suit. Neither Floyd nor Kyana were shocked by this behavior, having been raised around the rather unique brothers relationship, the others just stared, mouths agape. Kagome laughed and yelled out.

"Way to go InuYasha!" She winked "Good job!"

"Ah, shut up bitch, it wasn't nothing." InuYasha grinned, blushing despite himself.

"As I was saying" Floyd continued "Mrs. Higurashi has a vendetta against these men, and the situation is only made worse by certain traits of Mrs. Higurashi that bring out the worst in them."

"Like what exactly Mr. Tashio?" Mrs. Finiu questioned, picking up her pen.

"She's rude, obnoxious, condescending, annoying, tactless, she has no taste, she's a bully" InuYasha tugged on Floyds arm. He whispered in his ear, then the younger man stood straight again.

"My uncle wishes me to add that she treat's her husbands Aunt like a child and particularly likes to bully and push her around and…"

Miroku stood and walk to Floyd, handing him a slip of paper. He nodded. "Mr. Miroku said she has a flabby ass, but I don't see where that has any…"

"She does." Sesshomaru said "It is so flabby that this Sesshomaru suggested she would benefit from Lip-o-suction. Would it help if I offered to pay?"

"That is out of line!" Bessie stood, pointing her finger "Kei, say something!"

"You'd really pay to suck the flab from my wife's ass?" Kei looked across the table in surprise.

Bessie hit him with her purse.

"What? Why not if it's free?" Kei's face turned red.

"So what are you trying to say Mr. Tashio, in simple words?" Mrs. Finiu stopped writing and set her pen down.

"I am saying quite simply here is that Bessie Higurashi is a one hundred percent total, fucking bitch."

"How dare you!" Bessie stood, her hands fisted in rage.

Kyana stood, fixing Bessie Higurashi with a glare "Papa, Uncle and Mr. Miroku were only defending Kagome because that vile woman was going to hurt her."

"That's right." Iniki now stood also "Papa told me so, and it wasn't the first time, she was going to hit my sweet papa too."

"Had he grabbed her ass first?" Mrs. Finiu raised an eyebrow.

"Of course not! My papa would never do something so…so…"

Mrs. Finiu's eyebrow rose even higher.

"Earth to Iniki" InuYasha whispered "What color is the sky in YOUR fucking world?"

"Okay, okay. Of course he did. When doesn't he?"

"Mmhmm. Matter dismissed, the gentlemen are allowed to stay."

* * *

-

* * *

The five were sitting in the garden at sunset as had become their custom when a pink limousine pulled up. A man dressed in pink and purple got out of the front and released the hatch for the trunk, then pulling out a huge pile of luggage.

"Pink leopard skin?" Sango wrinkled her nose. "How tasteless"

"The luggage can go to 44B, he will be rooming with Mr. Naraku." Shippo met them with an orderly.

"Naraku's getting a roommate" Miroku laughed.

"Mrs. Finiu must be happy as shit to finally be able to occupy that half of the room" InuYasha smirked.

"What do you mean?" Kagome looked at him, confused.

"Someone finally came in who has their own teeth!" Sango giggled into her hand.

"What the FUCKING HELL is that?" InuYasha gaped.

Someone had finally rose from the limo to flounce, yes, actually flounce albeit with the help of a walker, into the building.

"That's got to be the ugliest woman I have ever seen" InuYasha shuddered.

"You sure that's a woman?" Kagome looked, sure she saw some five o'clock shadow above the purple boa and pink spandex.

"That ain't no man." Sesshomaru said.

"Hey Sesshomaru, didn't you use to have a boa like that?" InuYasha asked, earning a swipe on the head.

"How can he, er, she….oh heavens." Sango began to wave her fan furiously "How can they walk in those boot's?"

"Now that's tasteless" Kagome said, wrinkling her own nose at the three inch silver platform boots.

"Is that a man or a woman?"

"I think it might be one of them girly men." Miroku said shaking his head.

"You mean a …" InuYasha began.

"This Sesshomaru thinks that is a Hom-E-O-SeX-ual"

Shippo walked by the doors to the garden and Miroku waved him out.

"Shippo…who in heavens name was that?"

Shippo rolled his eyes. "Mr. Naraku's new roommate."

"Heard that much" Sesshomaru gruffed "What's her name?"

Shippo laughed. "That's mister actually. Mr. Jakotsu."

Shippo turned and went back inside. The five looked at one another.

"Well, this is certainly a new development." Kagome grinned.

InuYasha threw his head back and laughed.

* * *


	6. Of Muscles and Men

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi.

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I am having WAY too much fun with this fiction-

Just a note...this is a for fun parody, it isnt suppose to make sense. The point of Days of Gold is that I have a very weird side mixed in with all the angst, romance, drama, and action and it has to come out somehow...so **please don't ask me questions like "if they are yokai how did they get old"****..cause I have NO CLUE!** LOL I never give this story thought, I just sit down, stop thinking and let my fingers and imagination take over, thats why I never post previews. Maybe a meteor that made yokai old flew over Japan, I don't know!

Also, I don't know if I will add in all the characters or not...I won't put a character in my stories just for the sake of having them there...so unless I see a purpose for them, they wont be here. Sadly I didn't think of using Rin as Sesshomaru's daughter before I created his son Floyd. I would like to work her in though. Maybe I will work in a May -December romance, even though I absolutely abhor the Rin/Sesshomaru pairing, or maybe Kei will finally dump the flabby assed cow Bessie and date Rin but have to win over Kagome first. Dont know yet.

Puppy Love--

CJ

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_Um…er...Lemon warning…kinda, sorta, well yeah, no, yeah kind of...kinda ...depends on what you call a lemon...so, kind of a lemon...but don't believe everything you read…maybe..kinda. --Cunfused yet? HA try being ME! LOL_

* * *

Days of Gold

Chapter Six

Of Muscles and Men

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-

* * *

Mr. Naraku sat glaring out the window; the sound of the shower in the background aggravated him. Any minute that…that…whatever it was that called itself Jakotsu would come sashaying out of the bathroom. He only hoped that ridiculous baka had clothes on.

He hadn't when Mr. Naraku woken had and caught him in his bed that morning, his hand busy trying to awaken muscles that had slept for decades.

-Flashback-

Naraku hadn't opened his eyes before he sighed softly, leaning back into the touch of soft fingers against his flesh. The fingers stroked the length of the old muscle that had lain dormant for so long Naraku had nearly forgotten it was even there. Though he still had sensation in the area and his mind reaction to stimulation, the muscle was stubborn and refused to cooperate, lying limp and lifeless.

"It's useless" Naraku moaned, still half asleep "It hasn't worked for years."

"But you seemed to be enjoying it so much." The hand stroked him harder, rougher, scratching him with sharp fingernails.

Naraku's eyes shot open upon hearing the semi-masculine voice. His mind had told him it was the Higurashi wench that had tried to revive his dead body parts, his mind had lied.

Naraku rolled over, only to be met by a pair of bright ruby red lips locked against his own, a tongue shoved deeply into his mouth. He pushed hard, shoving Jakotsu out of his craftmatic adjustable bed.

"Well, good morning to you too lover." Jakotsu winked "Are you always this crabby in the morning?"

"What the fuck did you think you were doing to me?"

"Well, Onigumo said you were quite desperate for my services, I thought we might as well get started. Isn't that why I was paid so richly to come here?"

"You're here to help rid me of InuYasha and his friends, not to….to…"

"Oh dear" Jakotsu giggled, beginning to strip down to nothing in front of Naraku "There's been a mix-up then, you wanted my brothers Bonkotsu and Renkotsu. They are the…erm…getter-ridder-of's in the family"

"Get ahold of yourself man! Have you no shame?" Naraku turned his back, cursing his idiot son for screwing up once again. "What is it you do then, and what the hell did you think you were doing in my bed…playing with my…my…"

"Muscles?" Jakotsu giggled.

"Yeah, that."

"I was trying to bring it back to life, that's what I do." Jakotsu walked up behind Naraku and began to rub is shoulders, barely covered in a robe.

"What do you mean, what do you do?"

"I'm a physical therapist silly, I assumed I was suppose to massage your legs every morning. But, guess I was wrong." Jakotsu turned to go to the bathroom to shower, just before he shut the door he turned back and dropped his robe, then blew Naraku a kiss and winked.

-End flashback-

The water shut off and Naraku knew that Jakotsu would be re-joining him soon. The incident this morning had made him wonder... Well, a couple things really. First he wondered why he had gotten a hard-on when Jakotsu had slipped him tongue while he kissed him, he'd thought that muscle was dead too.

Second, he was well aware that medical science had advanced considerably in the years since his accident. Jakotsu had seemed to act like bringing his legs back would be no big deal. If he could regain his legs, he could complete the Whammo no Tama that much quicker.

Perhaps Naraku had some use for this Jakotsu character after all…perhaps he could multi-task after all. He would have Onigumo call the brothers, Bonkotsu and Renkotsu.

* * *

-

* * *

InuYasha sneered at Sesshomaru over the chess board. Kagome sat on one side, Kyana on the other. Floyd was due any minute. Unbeknownst to the gentlemen, the three adult children had gotten together after the "trial". Over drinks Floyd, Kyana and Iniki had more than agreed that InuYasha and Sesshomaru were the true troublemakers. Miroku, always one to enjoy being in the center of a good spot of trouble, was more of a follower that anything else.

InuYasha and Sesshomaru, though dear wonderful yokai, were generally the epicenter wherever trouble broke out. No doubt about it, were the masterminds behind The Three MUSCLE-TEERS. No matter that Bessie Higurashi was an instigator extraordinaire, or that they had merely been protecting dear gentle Kagome Higurashi, a repeat performance for Bessie Higurashi simply could not be allowed. So, they had made arrangements to assure it.

"You fuckin bastard" InuYasha hit Sesshomaru upside the head with a swing of his cane that had it been a baseball bat, would have put Mark Maguire to shame. "Put my Queen right back where you took it from."

Sesshomaru rose, wrapping his fluff around his arm. Because it was visiting day and his son would be arriving with other "special" visitor's in tow, Sesshomaru was wearing his formal attire, sans the real sword he had once proudly carried. It had been locked away in the family vaults after Sesshomaru attacked a group of visiting American dignitaries, including President George Bush, swearing it was 1945 and the American's were attacking Japan in retaliation for Pearl Harbor.

After that the sword had been replaced with a convincing plastic model.

"Baka!" Sesshomaru yelled, reaching for his sword. "You think this Sesshomaru would want your half-breed queen?" He pulled the sword out of the plastic scabbard and hit InuYasha across the head with it, breaking it in half. He lifted the hilt to his face, staring at it in disgust.

"Shit…I did it again."

"Way to go jackass" InuYasha laughed, elbowing Kagome gently on the arm.

"I'll show you a jackass, baka!" Sesshomaru reached toward the plastic scabbard "Shit…what happened to my sword?" he turned to InuYasha.

"You!" He gestured with the broken hilt "How dare you steal the sword of this Sesshomaru"

InuYasha's missing chess piece, his Queen, picked the perfect moment to roll from Sesshomaru's fluff.

"You bastard! I knew you had it!"

"Papa…lets just put the game away, before you two baka's kill each other." Kyana.

"What's the matter girl, you afraid (hawk, hawk) this Sesshomaru will kill the old geezer?" Sesshomaru wheezed

"Oh please, Papa, could kick your butt Uncle." Kyana grinned; it was an old argument, perfected with time.

"Keh!" InuYasha grinned smugly "See, that's my little girl" InuYasha kissed her cheek.

"Kyana, you're dreaming. Father could wipe the floor with Uncle InuYasha in a second."

Kyana turned, her mouth opened to give her next line when two little men stepped into the room behind Floyd.

"What the Fuck….?" InuYasha started

"Is that little green man doing here?" Sesshomaru

"Lord InuYasha" The small bald vassal bowed. "It is a pleasure to be in your service again"

"Lord Sesshomaru!" The ugly little man who refused to wear any color but green bowed, and then ran to throw himself at Sesshomaru's feet. "How missed brown nos…I mean serving you!"

"Father, Uncle" Floyd bowed, a smug smirk on his face. "Myoga and Jaken have resumed their former positions as your vassals. From now on they will be keeping you out of trouble."

InuYasha and Sesshomaru looked at each other in horror, and then fell back into their chairs, both speaking at the same time.

"Awwwww...shit----aki---mushrooms….!"


	7. Another Boring Sunday

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi.

* * *

Days of Gold

Chapter Seven

Another Boring Sunday

* * *

"Did you get it?" Sesshomaru asked Miroku when he came back from his visiting day walk with his daughter. 

"Yep, had a hell of a time shaking her in the store though. Holy hell, flash your penis once and you're jerked for life."

"You wish pervert" InuYasha said after sneaking into the room quietly.

Sesshomaru had been happier than Naraku in a room full of polygrip. He'd been put in charge of planning top secret covert operation.

Operation: sneak some sake in the dump and well get loaded while we watch American football on Sesshomaru's special television with satellite hook-up.

Or "Operation Shut the Fuck up Fluffy" as InuYasha had taken to calling it.

Sesshomaru had been look out in the room, making sure the baka squad, or Myoga and Jaken didn't return. Miroku, who always took walks to the mall with his daughter would be getting the product. InuYasha had the not so easy task of getting Myoga and Jaken involved with something that would hold their interest for the evening.

As it turned out Mr. Naraku's new roommate Jakotsu was a real social butterfly and had arranged to call bingo with Mrs. Finiu's permission and praise for being so outgoing and willing to work with the others. As it also worked out, both Myoga and Jaken loved bingo.

So, having been sure that their babysitters were taken care of, you can imagine the frustration when Myoga and Jaken walked in at the end of the first half. Fortunately they had managed to stash the sake.

"What are you doing here?" InuYasha groused "Thought you were playing bingo with Mr. Flouncypants."

Neither Myoga nor Jaken answered and tried to change the subject. No one was buying.

"Did you win anything?" Miroku asked innocently

Myoga couldn't resist "Jaken did."

"Shut up Myoga" The little bald man turned red.

"What did you win?" He didn't have a chance to answer, Kagome and Sango knocked on the door, bursting with giggles.

InuYasha looked at Kagome, curious as to what would make her eyes sparkle so beautifully and with such humor.

"Didn't you hear?" Sango giggled behind her fan

The guys shook their heads.

"Well you know that strange Mr. Jakotsu that rooms with the even stranger Mr. Naraku?" Sango began "Rather likes his bingo" Sango started laughing so hard she couldn't finish. "You tell him Kagome!"

"Well, from what I hear Mrs. Finiu has been so pleased with him, poor girl she's going to get so much flack over this, so she thought she would stop in today and play with the residents and she brought this huge platter of cupcakes."

Jaken turned red and got up to leave, but InuYasha pushed him back down into the chair.

"Well, Mrs. Finiu walks into the room and …" Kagome started laughing so hard could hardly breath.

"What??? Tell us!" Miroku said, frustrated in a nice way "Were dying here "

"Yeah spit it out wench." Sesshomaru said, making Kagome and Sango both laugh so hard it was a good thing they both wore depends.

"Jaken, Myoga…what happened?" InuYasha raised his eyebrow

"I'll never tell." Jaken turned away stubbornly

"You mean?" Kagome and Sango pointed at the Vassals. As the guys nodded.

"OH KAMI!" Kagome slapped her hand over her mouth trying to control her laughing "InuYasha, it was Gay Strip Bingo!"

Miroku and Sesshomaru spit beverages across the room, while InuYasha, laughing his head off, turned to Jaken and Myoga. "I didn't know!"

"Turns out, Mr. Jakotsu has organized a secret group of people here who are homosexual to get together and socialize, but he didn't think that Mrs. Finiu would approve it, so he didn't tell her, and then organized these events and only told people in his little group. But she walked in and caught Mr. Jakotsu trying to force a prize on someone."

Everyone looked at Jaken. "What kind of prize?" Miroku asked.

Kagome laughed "The kind you get on your knees to give. Mrs. Finiu was so freaked out she was throwing cupcakes at everyone, apparently Jakotsu came out of there with one stuck right on his…"

"Kagome!" Sango said "You don't need to be that specific."

InuYasha cleared his throat.

"Jaken…did you win a blow job from Mr. Jakotsu?"

Everyone cracked

Jaken got up. "I didn't know it was that kind of place! I didn't know he would do that. I…"

He spotted the sake where they had hidden it.

"What is THIS doing here?"

"Uh..."

Then Myoga got involved.

"Lord InuYasha! You should be ashamed. You know the rules! No Sake! Jaken dump that out this instant!"

"Hell you are!" InuYasha and Sesshomaru the two little men.

Myoga and Jaken looked at one another, the bottle over the sink ready to pour. This didn't look good. This didn't look good at all.

* * *

-

* * *

InuYasha pushed Kagome down the hall, Sango walked along side, hanging loosely onto Miroku's arm. The girls had hung around to sip the Sake and watch the game. Turned out they were both fans and Sango had even been to several games when she and her late husband had been on one of his many business trips to the United States. She thought the Minnesota Viking's were the greatest team in the universe, the Green Bay Packers were cheese heads, right down the empty spaces in their heads and Brett Favre was so past his prime he should be shot and taken out to the glue factory. 

InuYasha stopped a few feet away from the girls' door.

"Would you boys like to come in for a little while?" Sango asked

"Certainly, my lovely Sango, if you will wear my Grandchildren."

"Oh, you got a new button Miroku, how darling. Of course."

"InuYasha?" Miroku turned to him and Kagome. "Kagome?"

InuYasha stared down the hallway at a woman that was walking towards them. Kagome stared at him.

"InuYasha?"

The woman stopped in front of them

Kagome felt fear lace around her pacemaker, the air permiated with the smell of her sweat and ben gay as her body temperature rose. 

"Kikyo...but your..dead..."

"InuYasha..." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.

* * *

Wee Hee Left ya'll a couple cliffhangers…I'll update fast probably though, I wont leave you waiting long. 


	8. A note from CJ PLEASE READ

A Note From CJ

PLEASE READ

**_As I've mentioned before, this fiction is a blowing off steam thing for me, something that I put as little technical work and actual thought into as possible_.**

I do run it through spell and grammar check, but beyond that, I don't put any work into it, I have occasionally, but if I do, it is plot related. Why? Because I work my ass off on my other projects, I hate posting short chapters, so unless it can't be helped, I never post less that 10 Microsoft word pages, or roughly 2500 words. I absolutely despise going more than four, or five at the absolute most, days between updating. I know people who go **months** between updates and I hate that. I think it is a hell of a good way to make people lose interest, not to mention kind of mean to get people into a story and then leave them hanging. Personally, When that happens to me, I make up my own endings and move on.

Days of Gold was started as a way for me to relax and blow off steam, and to vent out some of the ridiculous ideas that pop in my head from time to time when I am thinking out my other projects. Days of Gold wasn't even meant at first to be posted publicly, but when I shared the first couple of chapters with a friend I was encouraged to share it.

_**No, it's not everyone's cup of tea. ****It is dumb humor in the tradition of airplane, the naked gun series, or the scary movie series.**_ _**I never once claimed this to be the equivalent of a Shakespearian Sonnet or even one of my other serious stories. So please don't get down on me for it being silly, stupid, dumb humor or comment about spelling, grammar,and punctuation in reviews.**_ I go over my other stuff with a fine tooth comb, my other fictions are fairly intense most of the time with people dying all over the place and getting kidnapped. My newest Project is going to be VERY draining, so I will really need this. Also, please don't start a review with

A-l--r--i---g--h--t, even if you do go on to say its funny, that's STILL condensation and there is nothing nice about being spoken down to. And even if you dont mean it to be talking down to me, it still sounds that way.

DOG is suppose to be my escape from all the seriousness and work, a place where the three Muscleteers can flash a bitch who desperately deserves it, where Naraku can run free with his fingers reaching into someone else's mouth and yank out their teeth.

I have to admit though; the outrage over Kikyo's return was fun to read. Just wait until you read what I have for you in the next chapter. You'll love it. It ended up WAY longer than I planned on, so its a little bonus length for ya!

So, come on already, let the writer have her fun!

* * *

-As Always- 

Puppy Love-

CJ

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-

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	9. The Return of the Witch and the Bitch

-

* * *

Disclaimer: Though this lonely writer is doomed to float listlessly in a river of doom even to the point of death, neither InuYasha, nor Sesshomaru are or shall ever be mine, legally nor by the soft, warm, beautifully tender toned breathtaking muscular perfectly formed flesh… sigh…they belong to the talented Rumiko Takahashi. 

How much does that suck!?

* * *

Note: This chapter, well, it bashes Kikyo. I want to make clear however once again that this is a PARODY and not to be taken seriously. In all honesty, I am a fan of Kikyo, at least the Kikyo at the end of the series. I hadn't intended to bring her back at all, but I was hit with an idea for how she was brought back and I just could pass it up. So, if any Kikyo fans are reading this please do not flame me, and I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to hear a single word of Kagome bashing. Kagome is an absolute angel and I am sick of hearing trash talk about her. 

Wow…this chapter ended up long! So, enjoy a SUPER BONUS LENGTH CHAPTER of Days of Gold!

* * *

Days of Gold

Chapter Nine

The Return

of the

Witch and the Bitch

* * *

The three Muscleteers and their lady friends were in trouble again, this time Sango had gotten in on the action. Kagome and Sango were actually only guilty by association, they had nothing to do with sneaking the sake into the home, or the mayhem that followed after. But rules were rules, and the girls **had** been in the room that night. They were witnesses, but they were keeping completely mum. Mrs. Finiu, still upset over what was being called the "bingo-bango" incident, was no where near as patient as she had been a couple weeks before. Nor were the adult children that were gathered around the table. 

Particularly the lovely Higurashi Bessie.

"So, Mrs. Finiu," She started out smugly "Now you see what I was trying to tell you? Those men are degenerate's. If they had been kicked out when I first told you to, this would never have happened. Look at Auntie, she's quiet and listless. She won't even talk. Who knows what else poor Auntie was exposed to?"

InuYasha looked across the table at Kagome. Her eyes were on her lap, staring quietly at her folded hands. Her spirit seemed defeated, broken. Her mind was obviously still on Sunday night, and Kikyo.

InuYasha felt the most horrible pain in his chest. He had tried to talk to her, but she hadn't said one word to him since. Damn it, he hadn't even kissed Kikyo, she kissed him.

"What do you mean what Kagome was exposed to?" Sango spoke up. She may have been from a dignified old family, but that didn't stop her from having a temper, or a bit of her own share of acid lurking around her tongue.

"Kagome was exposed to the same thing I was baka! What kind of person do you think I am?" Sango fixed Bessie with a glare, her family name was well known

"I…"Bessie stammered.

"For your information young lady" Sango's glare increased. "We were all having group sex with farm animals and whipped cream."

All of the others laughed, trying to hide it in their hands. Even Mrs. Finiu snickered behind her hand. Kei didn't try to hide it and Bessie sat down huffily glaring at him. Kagome still stared at her hands, InuYasha still stared at Kagome…neither was even smiling.

Rin, A very pretty middle aged woman stood up, she was Lord Sesshomaru's oldest daughter, she had been adopted when she was very little and on the verge of death because of a horrible beating by looters. Lord Sesshomaru had been touring a smaller city after a severe storm to assess the damage. He'd stopped suddenly, hearing a tiny whimper.

Thinking it was perhaps a survivor who had yet to be rescued he forced his way into the home and found the tiny girl cowering in the corner, a group of dirty looters beating her. Her crime? She had been searching in the home, one they had claimed, for food because she hadn't eaten for four days. Lord Sesshomaru had taken her to the hospital, and then into his home, with the full support of his late wife.

Rin was there that day because Floyd was out of the country, which was a bit of a problem. To Rin, Lord Sesshomaru had no faults, He could do no wrong. She was nearly as delusional as Sesshomaru was where he was concerned.

"Excuse me" Rin cleared her throat "But I fail to see the real problem. All five of these people are of legal drinking age. Besides, it was just a little sake."

"Ms. Inutashio"Mrs. Finiu began, trying to be patient. She had dealt with Rin before, but regarding InuYasha. She had no idea of the woman's full blind eyes to her father's behaviour. "Alcohol of any kind is forbidden in the home."

"Well, that's a bit silly. They are after all, adults. Why shouldn't they have a little sake with their football if they like?"

"Even so, this goes beyond simply sneaking a little sake into the home to enjoy with their football game. A nurse entered Lord Sesshomaru's room this morning to get him ready for Physical Therapy. When she opened the closet door, she found two men bound and gagged, apparently they had been there all night. Then in a vain attempt to distract her, they showed...I  
mean they did a repeat of the…the…uh"

"Oh spit it out wench…we flashed our peckers" Sesshomaru stood with impatience.

"According to Papa" Iniki said "They didn't mean to leave the men in the closet all night; they just forgot to return after walking the ladies back to the room."

"Why were they bound and gagged in the first place?"

"The disloyal bastards were going to betray us and endanger our very way of life!" Sesshomaru yelled

"Excuse me?" Mrs Finui asked

"They were going to dump our sake out." Miroku muttered looking at the table. "We didnt mean to leave them there."

"Why did you?"

Kyana squeezed InuYasha's hand. "There was an incident…"

"An Incident?" Mrs. Finiu asked

"It's very personal" Kyana added

"Meaning…" Bessie asked

"She means its none of your fucking business flabby ass!" InuYasha snapped

"It is my business if it involves Auntie!"

Still Kagome said nothing. InuYasha looked at her and caught her wiping a tear away. They were all able to tell Kagome was upset about Bessie being here, and the discussion was only making it worse.

"Keep your nose to yourself flabby ass" Miroku yelled at her "You're not even wanted here! Kagome hates you!"

"We got along fine until she got around you degenerate's!"

That got Rin involved "How dare you! I'll have you know my father is a very respected former dignatary."

"He's out of his mind!" Bessie shot back "Well he's not dragging Auntie with"

"You're just still mad because I called you flabby ass, flabby ass." Miroku yelled across the table.

"Well you have a small penis!"

"See!" Sesshomaru looked at miroku "I knew she looked, didnt I tell you she looked?"

"You told me she looked" Miroku nodded

"She probably went home and had to..." Miroku started, but Iniki turned to him.

"Papa! Don't you dare finish that!"

"She probably did" Sesshomaru agreed.

Bessie was spluttering "How...How..Dare you! Mrs. Finiu, I want them out, now! This very day or else..."

"Sit down and shut the fuck up Bessie" Kei spoke calmly, tired of all the threatening.

"What?"

"I didnt stutter. Now do as I told you."

Bessie sat, her face red.

InuYasha and Kagome had remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout this whole exchange. Kagome was still wiping away the occasion tear, and Inuyasha was still watching her wipe them.

"Pardon me" Kagome looked at Mrs. Finiu "I'm not feeling well, I really must lie down."

Mrs. Finiu looked at her with empathy "Of course, would you like me to call someone to help you?"

Bessie stood "I'll take you..." Kei stood and shoved her out of the way.

"I will take you Auntie" Kei stood

InuYasha watched Kei push Kagome from the table sadly. If only he could get her to listen to him.

"Kagome…" He began

Kagome gave him "the look" "No, not now."

The room grew quiet as Bessie haughtily followed them out.

Mrs. Finiu cleared her throat and touched InuYasha's hand gently,then whispered quietly.

"Is this something we need to be concerned about? Can I help?"

InuYasha shook his head sadly as snippets of a fight drifted in from the hallway.

"I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP AUNTIE!" Bessie Yelled

"Stop calling her that, you have no right to call her that! SHE"S NOT EVEN YOUR AUNTIE, SHE"S MINE!"

It got quiet again and the remaining people in the room smiled a little, glad that Kei seemed to be finally standing up to Bessie.

"Okay" Mrs. Finiu began, then rubbed her temples, mumbling quietly "Much more of this fucking shit I am going to have to double my Prozac prescription."

Just them Kei yelled a final time.

"FINE! ILL BE THERE IN AN HOUR FOR MY THINGS." There was a brief silence

"HEY BESSIE…. THEY"RE RIGHT….YOU DO HAVE A FLABBY ASS… BUT THEY FORGOT TO MENTION YOUR LOPSIDED TITS!!!"

"Oi" Mrs. Finiu rolled her eyes, hiding small grin; it was spreading around the table.

"I am going to let you hooligans off with a warning one more time. You three...," She pointed at a very upset looking InuYasha,a grinning Miroku and confused Sesshomaru.

"...no more sake"

Mrs. Finiu added in her mind "Unless you share it with me"

"And absolutely no more, I repeat no more, performances. Keep those peckers in your pants, and keep the pants firmly zipped. And don't even think about holding your vassal's prisoner all night in the closet again."

"We didn't mean to leave them all night, we just forgot." InuYasha mumbled.

Mrs. Finiu looked at Sango "I must say, I am surprised to see you here Sango."

Sango sat alone. Sango's granddaughter, Ki couldn't be bothered to come down.

Sango waved her fan and shrugged with a small grin over at Miroku.

"I understand" Mrs. Finiu nodded slightly. Love was in the air.

"I guess that's it." She got up and headed for the door, then she paused "Oh, and tell your vassals no more bingo-bongo with Mr. Jakotsu."

--------------------

Kagome lay on her bed pretending to be asleep. Kei had known she was upset and he wouldn't leave her unless he knew she was okay, or asleep. Sleep was much easier to fake, even if when she closed her eyes all she could see was them….

_InuYasha stared down the hallway at a woman that was walking towards them. Kagome stared at him._

"_InuYasha?"_

_The woman stopped in front of them_

_Kagome felt fear lace around her pacemaker, the air permeated with the smell of her sweat and Ben gay as her body temperature rose. _

"_Kikyo...but your...dead..."_

_"InuYasha..." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him._

Kikyo…how could she be back? Did InuYasha still want to be with her? Kagome hadn't spoken to him since he had pushed Kikyo into his room and locked the door behind them, almost as soon as she had shown up. Kagome hadn't heard her leave, and she had been awake until almost nine p.m.

But she was sure that she had heard the sound of them making love to each other. About half an hour after InuYasha had disappeared Kikyo was screaming out InuYasha's name and some blather about him turning her into a puddle. Then the room had gone quiet. Probably laying in each others arms, whispering words of love to each other. Kagome's heart wrenched in her chest…she could almost hear them…

**Imagination Sequence**

(InuYasha and Kikyo lay in one another's arms after having sex)

"_InuYasha…my beloved one…"_

"_Yes Kikyo, the only woman I will ever love,_

"_Who was the bitch in the wheelchair that you were hauling around?"_

"_Who? Oh, her…the bitch in the chair…Her name is…uh…give me a sec, I'll remember…Oh Kahomi, that's it, Kamome Hikoriki"_

"_Is she important to you?"_

"_Kakorki? Keh! As IF. She's just some random bitch I was banging now and then cause she was convient. No, My beautiful ever beloved Kikyo, …Rogome Tikaricki means nothing to me, you're the only one that I love, forever and ever and always."_

"_Oh do you mean it InuYasha? Even if it means you had to follow me to Hell?"_

"_Are you crazy bitch? __Hell? __I love you and all that shit, and you're a good lay and crap, but I aint following your ass into hell! What kind of nut job would do that?"_

"_I Bet that Kogogo TacoRoCKo would follow you Into hell." Kikyo said sadly_

"_Well yeah, probably, but Dogome Bonoroni is a crazy old bag. Besides, she's pretty ugly and desperate."_

"_Oh InuYasha….My beloved one…."_

"_Oh Kikyo….my every thing, the only woman for me, the only woman to ever make me orgasm more than twice in one night, the mother of my child, the woman who defied death the…"_

"_InuYasha shut up."_

"_Yes dear."_

**End Imagination Sequence**

Kagome sat up, pulling herself into her wheelchair. Okay, maybe she was stretching things a bit. She doubted anyone could actually make InuYasha come more than once.

She rolled to her window, looking glumly outside. The door opened, she didn't turn around, having been expecting Sango, she didn't turn.

She wasn't expecting anyone to come in her room and grab her chair, push her out into the hallway and into the room next door, then lock them in.

"Whh…aaa" She gasped when she was whirled around the perpetrator grabbed the front arms of the chair.

"I've had enough of this shit Kagome. I've watched you pout and ignore me all day, I've tried to be patient, but now your gonna listen to me."

Kagome stared at InuYasha in shock, then she made a fist and punched him.

"Okay" He said "I can see where I deserved that."

"Let me go." She hissed.

"No"

She punched him again.

"Okay, maybe that too"

"You gonna let me go now?"

InuYasha shook his head.

Kagome brought her foot up and kicked him in the groin. InuYasha fell to his knees.

"Damn it bitch! No man deserves that!" InuYasha's eyes squeezed shut, tears escaping from the closed lids and scaring Kagome. She'd never seen InuYasha like this.

"InuYasha…Kami, I'm sorry, Are you okay?"

He got in her face and yelled at her

"Baka Bitch! You kicked me in the nuts! Do I look okay to you BITCH!"

"You jerk! I Said I was sorry!"

"My pecker's never gonna work again and the bitch says she's sorry. FUCK!"

"I said I sorry!"

InuYasha just glared at Kagome

"You had it coming baka! You kidnapped me!"

"Only cause you wouldn't listen to me!"

"I apologized! What more do you want!"

"I think you broke me! My peckers gonna be limp useless hangin' hardware for the rest of my life damn it!"

"Well, be sure to pass my apologies on to Ki-ky0OO"

Kagome said sarcastically.

InuYasha looked at her weird.

"What? Why would I do that?"

"Because, she's your wife, she's back now."

InuYasha slid up on a chair, turning Kagome around to face him, then took hold of her hands.

"Is that what this has all been about?"

Kagome nodded. InuYasha almost wanted to laugh, but he was starting to think he might recover from the last attack, he didn't want another. He shook his head.

"Kagome, will you please let me tell you what happened last night?"

"I heard you through the wall. Sounded like she really enjoyed herself." InuYasha snickered a little.

"Just shut up and listen to me Kagome."

-Flashback-

_InuYasha stared down the hallway at a woman that was walking towards them. Kagome stared at him._

"_InuYasha?"_

_The woman stopped in front of them_

_Kagome felt fear lace around her pacemaker, the air permeated with the smell of her sweat and Ben gay as her body temperature rose. _

"_Kikyo...but your...dead..."_

_"InuYasha..." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. InuYasha tried to push her away, but Kikyo had a firm hold on his bottom lip between her teeth, and she wasn't letting him go. She didn't let him free until she tasted blood inside his mouth._

_InuYasha was pissed. He glanced at Kagome, apologizing over and over in his heart._

"_I'm sorry Kagome, I'll make it up to you, I promise. But I have to take care of this first. Please understand…"_

_He shoved Kikyo into his room and shut the door._

"_What are you doing here Kikyo? You're dead, remember? Gun, bullet, through your head, your finger pulling the trigger. BOOM your dead. According to the laws of nature your suppose to stay that way."_

"_Calm down InuYasha. You act like this is my fault."_

"_Just whose fault is it?"_

_Kikyo snorted "Damn medical students messing with nature again. They dug up my ashes to experiment with. It's amazing what they can do these days with a good blender and a pizza pan, Mix the ashes with, an Energy bar, a can of mountain dew, a good multi- vitamin, a dozen eggs and a tube of crazy glue. Mix it up; throw it in one of those stone pizza ovens and POOF…instant rejuvenated dead lady." Kikyo shrugged and started putting her arms around InuYasha._

"_Aren't you glad to see me, Beloved?" Kikyo asked_

_InuYasha shoved her away from him, hard enough so that she sat down hard on the bed._

"_Is this a hint darling?" Kikyo grinned._

"_Dream on bitch. You know Kyana let me cremate you myself? I used her old…"_

"_Yeah, Yeah...Easy bake oven, it took you took 3,140 light bulbs. I'm dead, not out of the loop."_

"_Get the hint bitch! I did it because I loath you! Kyana did it because she loathes you too! So do her brothers. I wanted to flush ya but Kyana said we owed ya some modicum of respect. Keh wasn't my fault they turned that cow manure plant where we dumped your ashes into a grave yard."_

"_Okay InuYasha, I get your point. I guess we cant let bygones be bygones, even thought I took my life out of guilt."_

"_You took your life because they closed the Wal-Mart in town! Don't lie bitch."_

"_Fine. Fine. But still, there is no need to be so nasty InuYasha. _

_I only came for my share of our estate, the keys to the Mercedes Benz, and the pool boy."_

"_Nice try Kikyo. You know as well as I do, we were divorced long before you killed yourself."_

"_Yes, but I received something's out of the divorce."_

"_It all reverted back to me when you died. Besides, it was all sold when I moved in with Sesshomaru ten years ago."_

"_But I'm not dead now."_

"_Not by my choice." InuYasha growled_

"_Charming." Kikyo smiled."Well, I should get something from this visit. She put her arms around InuYasha _

"_InuYasha…want to experience heaven with me?" Kikyo purred_

"_Keh! InuYasha spat. "I've found heaven, and it isn't with you!"_

"_Yes, I see you've already moved on. Not very picky these days are you."_

"_Go to hell Kikyo" _

"_Only if you come with me InuYasha." _

"_I'll send you to hell bitch." InuYasha picked up a water pitcher and dumped it over Kikyo's head._

"_InuYasha!! " Kikyo screamed as her hair began to dissolve_

"_InuYasha" She looked at him in panic "InuYasha!"_

"_Bye Kikyo!" He waved his fingers at her_

"_I'm melting! I'm melting!"_

_When Kikyo had totally dissolved InuYasha took a paper towel and wiped the muddy mess from the floor, threw them into the toilet, and flushed them._

"_Let's see you fuckers turn that into a graveyard" InuYasha nodded smugly and went to talk to Kagome, but she was asleep._

-End Flashback-

By the time InuYasha finished Kagome was laughing with him.

"I'm sorry InuYasha; I should have listened to you earlier."

"It's okay, I should have told you Kikyo and I had parted affections long before her death, but, there really wasn't a reason to."

"No, no, it's okay. Your right, there was no reason to tell me. So you're sure Kikyo cant come back again?"

"Not unless she comes out of the sewer and floats up to some of those medical student's riding on a big ol' stinky' turd."

Kagome laughed. "You're Disgusting"

"You like it too."

"Maybe a little"

"Oh InuYasha…how is your….injury? I really am sorry."

"My nuts still hurt woman, you better give me a massage."

"Oh InuYasha! You're incorrigible!" Kagome laughed

"But you wouldn't have me any other way right?"

Kagome grinned. "Well, I can think of a few ways to have you actually."

"Like how?" InuYasha wiggled his eyebrows

"Like playing backgammon baka, come on, you set it up, "

"hehe, alright. What're we playin for?"

"I'll tell ya later."

Kagome winked

* * *

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	10. Three Men and a Rascal

Disclaimer: InuYasha, hanyou with thy silver mane dost thou….

InuYasha: Oi bitch, enough with the hearts and flowers shit already

Kagome: InuYasha! Be nice!

InuYasha: Keh, Who the fuck even talks like all that thy and thou

crap anyway? Why can't the bitch just come out and say it?

Kagome: It's poetic, and prettier that way.

InuYasha: Oi Wench, It's just a fucking disclaimer! Why put all that work into something when all it needs to say is that we were created by and belong to Rumiko Takahasho.

Kagome: Takahashi.

InuYasha: Yeah, We were created by and belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Bitch needs to just get to the story instead of wasting all her creativity-ness on some stupid poetic shit disclaimer that most people skip over anyway.

Kagome: Um, InuYasha…I really think you need to quit calling CJ a bitch.

InuYasha: Keh, what for? Like I care what she thinks?

Kagome: Well, maybe not, but CJ _**is**_ the one who controls how many times I use the "S" word in her fanfictions.

InuYasha: Keh, Still don't give a rats ass.

Kagome: SIT SIT SIT SIT SIT!

InuYasha: SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kagome: Now do you care?

_InuYasha_ _whimper ears flattened against head shoulders slumped_

InuYasha: Fuck! I care! I care! Leave me alone!

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Days of Gold

Chapter Ten

_Three Men_

_ and a _

_Rascal_

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_- _

* * *

Mr. Naraku moaned in pleasure as Jakotsu smiled at his achievements despite the extended time on his knees, his hips throbbed from the increased pressure despite the fact that he'd undergone double hip replacement surgery the summer before. His fingers worked their magic on the ancient muscles of the dental fan that sat with his hands resting comfortably on Jakotsu's shoulders, his fingers tangled in the expensive tangerine ostrich and peacock feather trim around the daringly low cut neckline of his teal dinner dress shirt. 

"Mr. Naraku, your son…" Shippo was brought up short by the scene that met his eyes as he turned the corner, the door to the room left haphazardly open enough inviting anyone who walked by a peek.

"What are you staring at you little bastard?" cough cough "Get me my shiatsu sandals"

Shippo tried not to snicker as Jakotsu stood up and wiped away a smear in his deep copper lipstick as he adjusted himself and then the legs of his tangerine leggings. He slipped on a pair of jeweled teal men's clogs and then turned to Mr. Naraku.

"I'll be waiting in the hallway dear."

"Eh, cough cough" Naraku huffed impatiently while Shippo helped him into his sandals.

Shippo wheeled Naraku out into the hallway .

"I'll take over from here sweetums" Jakotsu blew the young nurse a kiss and took control of the wheelchair.

"Oh look, there is that adorable Sutiyumi fellow. Sutiyumi!" He wiggled his fingers "Ready to come over to my way of thinking yet?"

Jakotsu ducked as a full bedpan was thrown into the hallway. He turned back

"Let me know if you change your mind!"

"Jakotsu" Naraku's eyes were as wide as saucers "Choppers, straight up noon"

"After seeing Sutiyumi that isn't the only thing that's straight up." Jakotsu smiled as he reached onto the tray to grab the dentures and slip them into his mans purse.

"Must you be such a whore?" Naraku grumbled

"Just one of the thing's you love about me darling."

They reached the end of the corridor, Jakotsu checked to make sure they hadn't been followed, then slipped quietly into the empty physical therapy room.

"Ah, Father" Onigumo Naraku stood as they entered "I present the Meeni brothers. Renkotsu, the flamethrower,

Renkotsu stepped forward, oddly dressed in a skirt. He bent over, barring his rear end as he did. Bonkotsu stepped up behind him and flicked a bic. The room was filled with flatulence and a thirteen foot flame just fell short of catching the curtains on fire.

Naraku coughed, hawking a huge loogy onto Jakotsu's clogs.

"And this is Bonkotsu and his companion,"

Bonkotsu stepped up to Naraku and reached into his coat, pulling out a sock puppet.

"This is what you've brought me?" Naraku raged "A farter, a ventriloquist and a…a…hell, I STILL haven't figured out what Jakotsu is yet!"

"Actually" Bonkotsu broke in "I prefer to be called a puppeteer"

"Onigumo! Take these imbeciles out of here and shoot them, find me your mother, and then shoot yourself!"

"In that order?"

* * *

-

* * *

The three Muscleteers and their lady friends were sitting in the garden enjoying a late afternoon indulgence, compliments of the president of Sango's garden club. Unlike the slew that Miroku had secreted in, this was fine sake with a mellow flavor and delicate scent. While Miroku, Sesshomaru, Sango, and Kagome had the good sense and breeding to drink it from the traditional cups InuYasha took the dregs and guzzled them from the bottle. 

It was Tuesday, the day that they typically had new admittances when they had them at all. This Tuesday they knew that three new men were coming from the other home across town. Rumor had it they had problems getting along with some of the other residents.

"Well, so much for that." Kagome said with a sigh as she dumped some water in her cup, swished it around, and then dumped it out on the public sidewalk next to her.

"It was certainly fine while it lasted." Miroku agreed

"What was?" Sesshomaru asked, still holding his completely full cup.

"Nothing you stupid Jackass" InuYasha pointed up." Hey Sesshomaru, look, it's a two headed dragon."

"Where?"

InuYasha carefully slid the cup of sake out of his hand, guzzled it and belched loudly.

"That aint no two headed dragon you nincompoop, it's a crow, and that other thing aint its head. The thing's got nuts."

Miroku looked up. "So it does."

"My, those are certainly some very large nuts." Sango commented

"Must be un-skinned. What do you think Kagome? You ever seen nuts like that?"

"I'm hardly an expert on nut's InuYasha, but I believe you're correct, looks like an un-skinned walnut."

"What in the hell is that?" Sesshomaru pointed down the sidewalk at the dark cloud that was approaching.

"My, that looks like a tornado!" Sango exclaimed

"Whatever it is, it's moving damn fast." InuYasha remarked

The tornado zipped into the building, followed by two elderly men using walkers.

"What the fuck do you think that was?" InuYasha commented

"Only one way to find out." Miroku broke for the door, followed by Sango, then InuYasha who was pushing Kagome.

"That a twister! Take cover!" Sesshomaru said just before he dove under the picnic table for cover.

He looked at his empty hand "Who the hell drank my sake?"

* * *

-

* * *

InuYasha and the other Muscleteers were in physical therapy , leaving Kagome and Sango alone chatting, standing outside their rooms when the cloud came towards them and stopped just before it reached them. 

"Mr. Koga, we really do have to ask you not move at top speed."

The nurse said as she stepped away.

"Yeah, I fucking hear ya." The old man with the long ponytail on the high tech Rascal electric scooter grumbled

"Koga...Wait for us" two men trailed behind, trying to keep up on walkers.

"I aint got all day to…."

Koga spotted Kagome and his icy blue eyes locked with hers. He stopped directly in front her.

"Your name's Kagome right?"

"How'd you know that?"

"It says it right there on your wheelchair" he pointed to the name plate Kei had soldered on for her to mark her property.

"Oh." She blushed and giggled a little.

He picked up her hands. "Kagome, I'm gonna make you my woman."

* * *

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Announcement!! 

Now Open!

Mitsukai's Café and Writers Workshop!

Discuss my stories with other readers…Exchange Ideas with other writers…Be a beta or find a beta…InuYasha manga summaries and discussion and much more!

h t t p // mitsukainosuno . proboards76 . com/ index . cgi

You know the drill, take out the spaces, or, visit my profile page for more information and the link to the forum! Hope to see you there!

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	11. The Scent of the Broken Wind

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Disclaimer: As of this date, 21 February in the year 2007, one Rumiko Takahashi, who shall henceforth be known as the first party, possesses sole ownership of one hanyou InuYokai, formally known as InuYasha, and all other parties featured in said manga publications and anime series named after the aforementioned hanyou InuYokai. Mitsukai no Suno, who shall henceforth be known as the second party, claims no ownership of said hanyou InuYokai or any characters credited to the first party. The second party makes no monies from the writing of these literary articles, commonly known as fan fiction, and in no way is attempting to exploit said hanyou InuYokai for her own personal monetary gain. The second party simply wishes to borrow said hanyou InuYokai and other characters created by the first party, for the purpose of torture, angst, defilement, beating, romance and the occasional rape and murder. As previously mentioned, said second party receives no monetary gain from the aforementioned torture, angst, defilement, beating, romance and the occasional rape and murder, but only does so for the enjoyment of herself and her readers. The second party only receives the slight ego boost from pleasant reviews and the satisfaction of a job well done in return.

* * *

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Days of Gold

Chapter Eleven

-

The Scent

of the

Broken Wind

* * *

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* * *

"_Kagome, I'm gonna make you my woman_." 

Kagome looked at the horny old man on the electric scooter incredulously, her eyes full of shock.

_His WHAT??_

She curled her hand into a fist and hit him squarely between the eyes, forcing him off the rascal and onto his ass on the floor.

"Woah" Ginta remarked his eyes huge behind his bifocals

"That chick just knocked Koga on his ass" Hakaku added

Koga looked up at Kagome, his mind running at a million miles an hour.

"Damn, now I know I'm in love. No ones been able to slap me around like that since my wife passed away. Koga likeeees"

He wrestled himself back up into his scooter, wrapped his arm around Kagome's waist, tossed her over his shoulder then took off, leaving a black cloud behind him. He reached his room, shut and locked the door behind him.

He tossed Kagome down on the bed, then sat looking at her, salivating and drooling like he had just left the dentists office after having dental work done.

"Wolves mate for life babe, you're mine now"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Kagome screeched indignantly "I ain't no can of spam you can just pick up off the shelf, toss in your little electric cart and then take home with you to keep on your shelf forever!"

"Who said anything about forever?" Koga sniffed "I said I mate for life…just how much life you think I got left anyway?"

"I'm already seeing someone, and when he comes back from physical therapy he's gonna kick your ass."

"You don't mean that old fucking mutt Inu-Geritol-Yasha? Pshh"

"His name is InuYasha. How do you know about him?"

"I knew the Chia-pet"

"Chia-pet?"

"His ex-wife."

* * *

-

* * *

Sesshomaru sat by the elevator waiting for the others to return from physical therapy when the doors opened. He looked up and his eyes fell on the soft shape of a woman yokai. 

He allowed them to move up her body slowly, over her hips and multiple stomach ripples to where they met her extremely saggy pendulum like breasts. He licked his gums and lips, his eyes raking over her extra chin and wrinkled turkey wobbles, then locked on her magenta eyes. Her hair was dark gray, still bearing streaks of black, held back in a bun topped off by two feathers.

The bald fat man who held her elbow urged her forward, suddenly their eyes locked. She stood close enough to almost touch for just a second, then turned, breaking wind as she was led away from him.

The man jerked on her arm "Mother, must you break wind constantly?"

"Shut up Onigumo, you worthless dumbass" Her voice was deep and throaty; she dared a glance over her shoulder at Sesshomaru as she was pushed into a room and away from his gaze.

The scent of her wind still lingered in the air, the gaseous flatulence might have been offense to some, to Sesshomaru it was like sweet perfume or the scent of spring flowers on the air.

Sesshomaru didn't know her name, but he knew beyond a doubt, he had to have her, the wind breaking sorceress.

* * *

-

* * *

"InuYasha! Miroku!" 

Sango rushed down the hallway toward the physical therapy room, meeting the men halfway.

InuYasha looked up, he knew something was wrong, it had to be. Sango was in Kagome's wheel chair.

"Sango, what is it?" Miroku gasped as she barreled into his legs, the footrests digging into his shins scraping away skin.

"Kagome! That wolf yokai, he took her!"

"He…he what?" InuYasha gasped "I'm coming Kagome!"

InuYasha began shuffling down the hall way as fast as his cane allowed him, Miroku trailing him with Sango keeping the speed on the wheelchair as low as possible to keep from outrunning them.

"Oh, damn these old legs!" InuYasha grumbled. "Fuck this."

InuYasha grabbed Sango's hand and shoved his cane into it, then pulled her out of Kagome's wheelchair, pushing her into Miroku's arms. He sat down, then hit the top speed and raced down the hallway.

Miroku and Sango grabbed onto the back handles, dragging on the floor behind him and hanging on for dear life.

"Kagome! Hang on, I'm coming for you!"

He took the first corner on one wheel, slamming into the wall and giving Miroku a concussion, zipped down the hallway, then took the next corner the same way, crushing Miroku's groin and losing both he and Sango in the process.

He raced the rest of the way down the hallway.

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

Spurred on by her screaming InuYasha slammed hard into the room, hitting something hard and sending it flying across the room.

"What the hell are you doing?" The old man on the commode glared at InuYasha as he collided against the wall.

"Uhhh…" He looked around.

"InuYasha! Not that room you old nincompoop!" Kagome screamed from next door.

"Sorry, wrong room" InuYasha backed up

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

Koga's eyes blinked shut as he fell into his afternoon nap.

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"InuYasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Are you two about finished?" Koga asked, waking up from his nap.

"Uh…Yeah, I think I'm done." InuYasha sniffed "Are you done Kagome?"

"Wait, one more,"

"INUYASHA!!"

"Now are you done?" InuYasha asked

"Yes, I'm done now."

"Okay, yeah, were finished."

InuYasha slammed through the door, Kagome ran to his side.

"InuYasha, I was s…cough, cough…so scared."

"Are you okay Kagome?" InuYasha asked, glaring at Koga

"Yeah, I'm just losing my voice from all those InuYasha's. I don't think we've ever gone that long before."

"Well, just cause I'm old, doesn't mean I don't still got it."

"You have amazing stamina InuYasha, want to go again?"

"Sure if you think you can handle it."

"I can handle it if you can."

"NO! PLEASE! NO MORE!" Koga threw his hands over his ears. "Just take her and go Muttbreath."

"What did you call me WolfPoop?!"

"I claimed her, she's my woman."

"Why you….!" InuYasha raised his fist.

Kagome sat in her wheelchair then raced forward to knock InuYasha's legs out from under him.

"InuYasha, sit."

He fell into her lap and Kagome turned and raced away to her room.

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Mr. Naraku sat looking out the window when the door opened behind him. A familiar scent filled the air behind him. 

"You found her."

"Yes Father."

"Leave us boy."

"Yes father, farewell mother."

"So" Naraku began

The wind was broken, filling the air with the wind sorceress's scent once again.

Mr. Naraku turned and moved to the woman, waving the air to fill his nose with her scent. He picked up her hand and kissed her fingers.

"Welcome back..."

"...Kagura."

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	12. Battle of the Butts

Disclaimer:

InuYasha: Oi! We belong to Rumiko Takahashi and this crazy bitch kidnapped me, turned me all old and tossed me in a old fogies home!

Naraku: She's making me steal dentures!

Kagura: You think that's bad? Least you aint the fucking farting WIND breaking sorceress

Kagome: Giggle Can you say that three times fast?

Kagura: Giggle

Jakotsu: She turned me into a gay physical therapist!

Bankotsu: Dude, I'm playing with puppets, what's so bad with your gig?

Jakotsu: Those aren't the muscles I want to be playing with!

Renkotsu: I burnt my tushie.

Kagura: That will teach you to try to take over my part in this sick little fanfictioon! I AM the WIND breaking sorceress!!! You fucking hear me? The WIND breaking sorceress!!!!

Miroku: Sit down before you hurt yourself fartsie

Kikyo: Hey, you all think you got FUCKING problems?? Try getting melted like the freaking wicked witch of the west.

Kagome: Well, if the shoe fits…

Sesshomaru: HEY! Your all NOTHING compared to me! I'm a senile old fuck who flies under tables and fights with plastic swords! I'm CRAZY!

InuYasha: Oi, we know that already Fluffy.

Bessie: I was written out…

The Three Muscleteers: FLASH!

Sango: Oh my

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Days of Gold

Chapter Twelve

Battle of the Butts

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Kagura looked down her nose through her coke bottle trifocals at Naraku, let lose a rousing blast of noxious fumes and sneered, damning the day that he had lost most of his sense of smell.

"I will thank you kindly to take your hands off my bush"

"Pardon me my love?"

"My Bush's baked beans, your touching them."

"It is rather hard not to dearest, they take up most of the room. Put them in a closet."

Kagura blasted him again, an extra oomph added from the vinegar, horseradish, dill pickle, egg, tuna and dingdong, salad sandwich she had for breakfast.

"My Kagura, your talents have been enriched since you last graced me with your presence."

"Hmmph, as if I had a choice. I married you once and have now divorced you six times. When will you get the hint?"

She passed him on the way to the closet lined wall, pausing to pound on his bald head.

"Knock Knock puddin' head. I hate your fucking guts."

Kagura opened the closet door, only to be buried under a tidal wave of dentures.

"Wrong closet, puddin' head" Naraku sneered

Kagura let fly again, blowing an escape hole into the side of the tomb of teeth so she could escape.

"You don't mean that you are STILL on that "Whammo no Tama" kick!"

"I'll never give up, never."

Kagura reached into her pocket irritably and pulled out a quarter and threw it at him "Here! Go buy yourself one! Its nothing but a freaking bouncy ball you stupid dumbass knuckle dragger!"

She stomped out of the room.

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The three Muscleteers and their lady friends sat in their usual place in the courtyard, enjoying the quiet morning when they were interrupted by the Ookami on the rascal.

Koga reached for Kagome's hands and InuYasha swung his cane, cracking it across Koga's knuckles.

"Hands off shitface."

Koga growled and ignored him.

"Hello Kagome, how's my woman today?"

"Don't know" She answered glibly "Perhaps you should go ask her."

The sliding door was slung open abruptly and Kagura stepped out. As she turned to close the door she let lose a blast so strong it knocked the five out of their chairs.

"Damn…" Sesshomaru grinned. He lifted his leg , releasing the first few bars from dueling banjo's.

Kagura answered his challenge, wiggling her rear in time with the beat until they were immersed in a full out battle of the butts.

"You're my kinda woman." Sesshomaru grinned, rubbing his tired butt crack.

"I havent had a battle like that in years" Kagura laughed, rubbing her own and letting a flirty little squeaker past.

"Would you like to go to my room and have sex?" Sesshomaru offered his arm.

Kagura looked at him, realizing this might just be the one who would be able to wipe the floor with Naraku's weenie ass.

"I'd be delighted. I'll bring my bush, your can opener or mine?"

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Yeah I know, lame, infantile humor. DAMN its good to be back! LOL

Sorry I haven't updated in so long.

This Chapters for Cookie T, cause she seemed to need cheering up and I know she loves the geezers. lol


	13. Boring Stinking Ass Day Trip part one

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Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi is the true owner of the great sword and everything else in between. I own 15 volumes of the manga, seasons 1,2,3 and smatterings of others, all 4 movies, various action figures, little plastic display guys, key chains and the like.

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Just another note, seems I have to remind people of this from time to time. DOG is a story I do strictly for blowing off steam and getting goofy. While I do spell check it, I do not beta or anything else. Please do not comment about spelling or punctuation. I work my ass off on my other work, this is my fun piece that I posted for the hell of it and I am still shocked as shit by how popular it has become.

HUGGLIES, CJ

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Days of Gold

Chapter Thirteen

Boring Stinking Ass Daytrip

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"Good morning Ladies" Pepe opened Sango and Kagome's bedroom door "Time for your breakfast!"

Kagome picked up her glass and picked up her teeth, then winged the glass at the overly perky RN who dared to invade her quiet domicile.

"Now Miss Higurashi, really. A body would think that you aren't excited to join your floor mates on the lovely excursion we have planned for you today."

"Is it a jaunt to get nailed by teenage male hookers?"

Sango covered her face with her pillow, her entire bed shook from her laughing.

"You have such a delightfully spry sense of humor for someone of your advanced years Miss Higurashi." Pepe laughed

"You think I'm kidding? Me and InuYasha went Sixteen rounds last week."

Sango shifted up on her elbow "Is THAT how he threw his hip out of whack?"

"Damn straight honey. Gimme my puppy, I go bumpy, bumpy."

"You ladies are very silly this morning."

"She doesn't delieve you Kagome."

"Pepe, Would you mind getting me a pair of my specail socks from my bottom drawer?"

"Certainly"

Sango's eyes went wide, Kagome chuckled waiting for…

Pepe screamed. "Ms. Higurashi…I…I….I don't believe those ttthings are allowed on tttthhe prrrrrremises."

"They're orthopedic….that black leather one's got back support in it."

"I.I.ll just leave you to dress yourselves since yyyyyyyour almost rrrrready." Pepe ran from the room quickly.

"Orthopedic?" Sango asked

Kagome and Sango burst out laughing.

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Kagome and Sango , Miroku and Sesshomaru, Koga and Kagura and a new woman named Ayame all waited quietly inside the van for InuYasha and the driver. Finally the driver came out with Mrs. Finiu and informed them that InuYasha was sick and wouldn't be able to accompany them this day. The driver started the van and pulled away. Once he was clear of the home he floored the gas pedal and took off like a bullet.

Up in the men's room the nurse entered to check InuYasha's temperature, obviously it was not InuYasha she found…but Jaken, Myoga, and the driver, Ms. Shoga, all bound together and gagged.

At the same time InuYasha, by now ten miles from the home, also revealed himself.

Kagome smiled at InuYasha "Oooops"

"So, where to?" InuYasha asked

"First stop we need to get some Sake" Sesshomaru nodded

"Then what?"

"We need to get us some nooky" Miroku pointed a finger at a whore house

"We already got nooky dumbass" Sesshomaru pinched Kagura's butt, causing a rapid rolling down of all the windows after her excited flatulence. "We got enough nooky, we could have ourselves one of them there orangy things"

"What's an orangy thing?" Koga asked, scratching his head

"Dumb fuck…you want to have an ORGY" InuYasha slapped Sesshomaru upside the head.

"Naaaaoooooo You just watch it there little fella" Sesshomaru stammered "I don't want no Orgy with YOU. I aint one-na dem dare homEo SexShuls. You sick fuck. Sides, that would be infest."

"Incest Sesshomaru" Miroku said

"Kami Damn! I aint having no Incest with you Miroku you sick fuck, I already turned my own brother down, what makes you think I'd have incest with you? I aint even related to you!"

Sesshomaru leaned over and whispered in Kagura's ear

"They all want me bunch a sick bastards…protect me "

Kagura let one fly

"Stay away from my fluff bitches"

Five minutes later Kagura and Sesshomaru stood along side the highway. Sesshomaru looked at Kagura as they drove away

"Was it something I said?"

Sesshomaru Shrugged.

"got me"

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To be continued…..

Coming Soon

Boring Stinking Ass Daytrip Part 2

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	14. Boring Stinking Ass Day Trip part two

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and if she knew what the fuck I was doing to her characters in this parody she would kick the SHIT out of me!

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Days of Gold 

Chapter14

Boring Stinking Ass Daytrip Part II

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"Auto theft, disorderly conduct, drunk driving, fifth degree assault, attempt to bribe a police officer, …" 

The children of the accused glared across the room at their parents as the night court judge read the list of charges leveled against their parents.

"air pollution, littering, attempted kidnapping, …."

'_Okay' _Kagome thought _"so maybe things had gotten a __**little **__out of hand. So maybe a case of Sake was a bit much, considering…But it was Kagura the wind breaking sorceress who had left the blue cloud over half of Tokyo. And Koga was the one who had tried to knock out of the cop after she wouldn't accept Miroku's offer of sex to let them out of the speeding ticket….'_

"Five counts of Indecent exposure, …."

'_Perhaps full frontal flashing that tour bus wasn't such a good idea. Considering that it crashed into a parked blimp…Not that it was MY idea…'_

"Causing an accident, leaving the scene of an accident…"

'_Shit, just say it, we fucked up. Were just plain fucked now.'_

"Considering the circumstances and the ages of the accused…."

"What the fuck's that suppose to mean?" Koga, still drunk off his ass on Sake, whispered

"Koga shut the fuck up or I'll tie your wiener in a knot." Sesshomaru threatened

"You can't, it's too small" he sneered

"Well, guess were all fucked now." Miroku said

"Oh dear." Ayame nodded.

"Shit. Was the mutts idea." Koga grumbled

"You're the one who tried to kidnap that college girl from the sex shop." Kagome smacked the wolf

"You're the one who showed your hoo hoo to half of Tokyo." Koga smacked Kagome back.

"I wasn't the only one." Kagome lowered a gaze at Ayame "Ayame came up with the brilliant idea to flash her wrinkled privates to the tour bus"

"Oh dear" Ayame echoed

Kagome giggled a little "Sango's the one who invited the Three Muscleteers to join in."

"Well, you thought it would be funny Ka-go-me" Sango snickered

"So I did" Kagome laughed behind her hand

"Four" Sesshomaru grumbled "Were four Muscleteers now with Koga."

"All for one!" InuYasha began, thrusting his cane in the air.

"And ONE for all!" the other three finished with a triumphant thrust of their own walking aids.

"Oh Dear." Ayame muttered

"Four finer muscles have never been seen" Kagura said with a wink at Sesshomaru, letting out a tiny squeaker.

"I agree." Kagome nodded

"As do I" Sango smiled dreamily at Miroku.

"Oh dear" Ayame grinned at Koga

"You reckon were all gonna be homeless now?" Miroku asked

"Nah, Floyd and my baby girl are taking care of it." InuYasha nodded his head, a beatific grin on his face as Kagome's hand slipped lower in his lap.

"Just how are they gonna get us out of THIS one?" Sango looked at him wide eyed. Disgusted because her granddaughter once again couldn't be bothered.

"Well, lets leave it at tomorrow there's gonna be an announcement that the home is getting a new building." InuYasha nodded

"Housing a swimming pool" Sesshomaru added on

"Oh dear." Ayame shook her head

"Think they'll try and separate us to different wings?" Sango looked troubled

"Don't see how they can" Kagome smiled "considering we all ran off and had a four way wedding."

"My woman married the wrong fuckin person" Koga grumbled

"Eat me wolfshit" InuYasha sneered at Koga "The best man won"

"You eat at me dog turd"

"You tell em little brother."

"Suck my dick you feather boa eye shadow wearing femme"

"See? Didn't I tell ya Kagura?" Sesshomaru nodded "They all a bunch of Them there homEo Seshuls. They want me Kagura. Gotta protect my goodies around em all the time."

"Oh dear." Ayame shook her head

"AS I WAS SAYING…."The judge interrupted them "taking these things into consideration…" the judge went on "and the adult children of the accused having agreed to pay for all damages to the blimp, the tour bus and the Godzilla statue, the other parties have agreed to drop all charges. This case is dismissed."

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Mr. Naraku looked at the completed whammo no tama, swirling with colors of blue, red and purple. He stapled a piece of elastic to it and then stapled the other end to a piece of plywood. 

"KUKUKUKUKUKU, screw you, You thought you could stop me! You fools! Now its MINE! ALL MINE! "

Laughing maniacally, he began to bang them against one another.

Mr. Naraku continued to laugh long into the night, playing with his paddleboard

in the darkness of his room.

THE END--Please See Notes Below

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This is my last update to Days of Gold ...for a few reasons...The biggest being... I am sick and tired of dumb ass 

jerks leaving rude reviews and getting rude e-mails because they don't get the fact

that this is a PARODY. It's just not any fun anymore when I have to take shit over something I started for

laughs. DOG wasnt suppose to be about spelling, punctuation, or being canon. It was a way to blow off

steam. Thanks, _**Young Kagome**_, a multiple offender of this kind of shit, for being the final straw with your rude

and condicending review for the last chapter. Just a word, if you think something is stupid, just keep your

mouth shut. I never claimed this to be some great work of literature like Shakespeare or e.e. cummings. It is

what it is, it isn't everyone's cup of tea. Fine. Just shut up if you think its stupid. Saying things like "Very

interesting" is condescending BULLSHIT and the highest level of rudeness, not to mention done ONLY to make

yourself feel superior. So SHUT UP already.

I like sick, slapstick humor in the tradition of "Airplane" and the "Naked Gun" movies. I adore Jim

Carrey and comedians who aren't afraid to do ANYTHING or SAY ANYTHING for a laugh. If that makes me

immature and childish, too fucking bad. DON'T READ MY SHIT!

That being said, I do apprieciate everyone who has loved this and gotten laughs from my immature attempts at

humor. I do have several other humor pieces posted, so please check them out, including the oft missed "Fool

for Love", "EWWWWW!! EWWWWWW!! EWWWWWW!!", "A Lemon So Hot You Could Fry An Egg On

It", and "InuYasha: Oi, This Wench is CRAZY" a compliation of bits and pieces of InuYasha humor.

I am also ending this because I am running thin on the premise, the ideas just arent coming the way they use to,

so that means it's time to close up shop on this one.

Thanks to everyone who has enjoyed Days of Gold! I hope I have given it a somewhat satisfying ending for everyone.

Puppy Love,

CJ

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